Grey Beach

 God painted the world grey today

The ocean water is as still as bath water

Still and frightening

As if it reflects my soul after a vague confession and a vague absolution

Saint in the Making

 I'm Martha ignoring my daughter's theological questions

From the front seat, driving is a far better concern at the moment

"I shall be a nun."

Words that seem to come from the Holy Spirit

If I had $100, I would give $110 to the poor

"Where would the extra $10 come from?"

"You, or I don't know someone or maybe even Jesus will just give it to me."

New Job

 Are you nervous?

Do I look it?

No, but you hummed the whole way.

You'll get a good education here while I work.

Oh Robert, why would you do that? Now you're all wet. What am I going to say?

I'm sorry Mama

I need this job. Your father left us with nothing

I know you're sad.

Did you enhoy the bread and butter this morning? Charity. Charity.

Come hell if high water, I'm going to connect you to the right people.

So you can be better than the kids that hang out on the street.

I don't ming scrubbing toilets if it means my son can study with the rich kids. That filth is a small price to pay.

Sacred Hymns

 Sing to me a melody of angels up above

Let the tune wash away doubt and fear

May my eyes see only what will feed my soul

And if I should be put to death by suffocation and steam 

Place upon my tongue hymns of praise

For my executioners know not the joy and ecstasy that await me 

Helping a Friend

 It was a simple gesture, but it meant the world at the moment

On a long hallway, well long for one all of two

He stands alone

It's what happens when you drop your loop and decide to conquer the world on your own

For 40 seconds no conquering occurred

Just blank stares wondering how to get back to safety or at least familiarity

Jesus loves his little ones and the separation doesn't last long

So his little prayers were answered, only it wasn't his sweet teacher 

But a little girl holding another loop in another class

She offers her hand and tells him in a clear voice of nearly perfect diction, an impressive feat for a young lady of only 3 to take her hand

He accepts

Hand in hand and loop by loop they walk

The Sweetest Sound

 

          “Mama.”

          A word I thought I would never hear. Perhaps I mightn’t ever heard it, if God hadn’t thrown cold water on me while I was sleeping.

          You see, for ten years I had been living in a fog. Working as a payroll clerk in a company I hated was literally my life. I was spending over an hour a day in traffic; getting home in time to eat a meal my husband cooked, and then collapsing on the couch watching violent television shows because they had good ratings. When the show was finished, I took an Ambien so I could go to sleep and do the same thing all over again the next day. I look back on this time and think what a waste. Why couldn’t I get off the treadmill I was on? Meanwhile, I watched family and friends move into nice homes, get married and have beautiful babies. Watching these women with their babies, one would think I would want a baby, but I didn’t. I had no interest.

          The cold water I mentioned earlier came in two forms. In 2012, my mother who was always healthy as a horse was diagnosed with cancer, multiple myeloma; on top of that I got fired. Many people could look at this and see only distress without any blessings. I would say you are wrong. The worst year of my life turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

          Being handed a pink slip is never a good way to end your day. It happened on a Thursday which was exceedingly odd considering the company I worked for only fired people on Fridays. Firing people on Fridays made payroll go smoother. I thought I might cry during the process or get yelled at, but it was a calm interaction. I even got to walk out to my car by myself. When I took a left out of the parking lot I felt free. Free from the long nights and payroll deadlines.

          The next day on Friday, I went to the Department of Labor and filed for unemployment. All was good for two weeks until boredom set in. Now what? I posted my resume everywhere and nothing. Then on Halloween, I was hired to be a librarian. Halleluiah!

          During this whole time my mother was sick, very in fact. I would go and visit her on my days off and watch her sleep like a child. When she spoke it was nonsense. It was during those times that I began to understand how fragile life really is.  I started questioning what would happen to me if I get this disease and there are no children to watch me sleep.

          I started to pray for a child. I even started to imagine my child, something I’d never done before. In my dreams, I imagined a little girl with blond hair and blue eyes. I saw myself walking with her hand in hand and me smiling down at her. She didn’t speak and neither did I.

          Six months after I stepped into the library as the Lumpkin County Information Specialist, I found out I was pregnant. Even though I prayed for a child, I was unsure I could do this. A small part of me was mildly resentful of the fact that here I was finding myself in this great job were I felt valued and I end up pregnant. How could God do this to me? Naturally in the first few months of pregnancy, I underestimated the amount of love a mother could have for her baby.

          At the end of a beautiful pregnancy, on Thursday night, January 9^th, I gave birth to my beautiful dark haired, blue eyed baby girl, Carter Frances. I was wrong about the hair color, but the eyes were right in earlier dreams about her. The moment my husband put her in my arms time stood still. Placing her at my breast and rubbing her soft head I knew I would love her forever. More importantly, I now understood how much God loved me and that every time I was scared, or lonely, or depressed, God was holding me like a baby.

          Carter Frances is now two years old. I wake up each morning with a purpose, to care for her and to lover her. How lucky am I? And the sweetest sound I hear each day is her calling me, “Mama.”

P.S. Not everything changes; I am in the middle of a Breaking Bad marathon when Carter is asleep.

Bridegroom

 

 

If I’d kept vigil

Perhaps I could have kept you out of the garden

It was the headaches that done me in

When I awoke, I reached out for you, but you were gone

I searched for you in darkness, light

Asked around

Nearly everyone I come into conflict with robbed me or beat me

All because I claimed you as my lover

Someone asked what you had that others don’t

I describe your beauty best I could

But the beatings turned to jeers

I wish I could tell you which one is worse

They do this to keep me from my lover, but what they don’t know is my lover has many beloveds