Monday, May 30, 2022

Helping a Friend

 It was a simple gesture, but it meant the world at the moment

On a long hallway, well long for one all of two

He stands alone

It's what happens when you drop your loop and decide to conquer the world on your own

For 40 seconds no conquering occurred

Just blank stares wondering how to get back to safety or at least familiarity

Jesus loves his little ones and the separation doesn't last long

So his little prayers were answered, only it wasn't his sweet teacher 

But a little girl holding another loop in another class

She offers her hand and tells him in a clear voice of nearly perfect diction, an impressive feat for a young lady of only 3 to take her hand

He accepts

Hand in hand and loop by loop they walk

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

The Sweetest Sound

 

          “Mama.”

          A word I thought I would never hear. Perhaps I mightn’t ever heard it, if God hadn’t thrown cold water on me while I was sleeping.

          You see, for ten years I had been living in a fog. Working as a payroll clerk in a company I hated was literally my life. I was spending over an hour a day in traffic; getting home in time to eat a meal my husband cooked, and then collapsing on the couch watching violent television shows because they had good ratings. When the show was finished, I took an Ambien so I could go to sleep and do the same thing all over again the next day. I look back on this time and think what a waste. Why couldn’t I get off the treadmill I was on? Meanwhile, I watched family and friends move into nice homes, get married and have beautiful babies. Watching these women with their babies, one would think I would want a baby, but I didn’t. I had no interest.

          The cold water I mentioned earlier came in two forms. In 2012, my mother who was always healthy as a horse was diagnosed with cancer, multiple myeloma; on top of that I got fired. Many people could look at this and see only distress without any blessings. I would say you are wrong. The worst year of my life turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

          Being handed a pink slip is never a good way to end your day. It happened on a Thursday which was exceedingly odd considering the company I worked for only fired people on Fridays. Firing people on Fridays made payroll go smoother. I thought I might cry during the process or get yelled at, but it was a calm interaction. I even got to walk out to my car by myself. When I took a left out of the parking lot I felt free. Free from the long nights and payroll deadlines.

          The next day on Friday, I went to the Department of Labor and filed for unemployment. All was good for two weeks until boredom set in. Now what? I posted my resume everywhere and nothing. Then on Halloween, I was hired to be a librarian. Halleluiah!

          During this whole time my mother was sick, very in fact. I would go and visit her on my days off and watch her sleep like a child. When she spoke it was nonsense. It was during those times that I began to understand how fragile life really is.  I started questioning what would happen to me if I get this disease and there are no children to watch me sleep.

          I started to pray for a child. I even started to imagine my child, something I’d never done before. In my dreams, I imagined a little girl with blond hair and blue eyes. I saw myself walking with her hand in hand and me smiling down at her. She didn’t speak and neither did I.

          Six months after I stepped into the library as the Lumpkin County Information Specialist, I found out I was pregnant. Even though I prayed for a child, I was unsure I could do this. A small part of me was mildly resentful of the fact that here I was finding myself in this great job were I felt valued and I end up pregnant. How could God do this to me? Naturally in the first few months of pregnancy, I underestimated the amount of love a mother could have for her baby.

          At the end of a beautiful pregnancy, on Thursday night, January 9th, I gave birth to my beautiful dark haired, blue eyed baby girl, Carter Frances. I was wrong about the hair color, but the eyes were right in earlier dreams about her. The moment my husband put her in my arms time stood still. Placing her at my breast and rubbing her soft head I knew I would love her forever. More importantly, I now understood how much God loved me and that every time I was scared, or lonely, or depressed, God was holding me like a baby.

          Carter Frances is now two years old. I wake up each morning with a purpose, to care for her and to lover her. How lucky am I? And the sweetest sound I hear each day is her calling me, “Mama.”

P.S. Not everything changes; I am in the middle of a Breaking Bad marathon when Carter is asleep.

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Bridegroom

 

 

If I’d kept vigil

Perhaps I could have kept you out of the garden

It was the headaches that done me in

When I awoke, I reached out for you, but you were gone

I searched for you in darkness, light

Asked around

Nearly everyone I come into conflict with robbed me or beat me

All because I claimed you as my lover

Someone asked what you had that others don’t

I describe your beauty best I could

But the beatings turned to jeers

I wish I could tell you which one is worse

They do this to keep me from my lover, but what they don’t know is my lover has many beloveds

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Date Night

 

The room is bright and cheery

A small chandelier dangles delicately above a round table for two

I open my bag and carefully place the dishes on the table

My wife comes in the room guided by a large friendly orderly

He places her gently in the chair

Mrs. Roberts it looks like your husband brought you a tasty meal. You’re one lucky lady

A tear falls on my plate

I brought your favorite, roasted garlic chicken, mashed potatoes, and asparagus

I take her hand and place it in mine

Our wedding bands brush up against each other

She jerks it away

Calls the orderly over and him to take her back to her room

Which he does without questioning

My eyes flood with tears as I finish the dinner I cooked for the two of us

No one bothers to look at me

For almost six months this has happened every Friday

I miss my wife

I miss our shared meals

Saturday, October 2, 2021

Journey to the Alter


 

Boots too tight

Walking stick too tall

Can’t linger

Time won’t stand still

A young gentle woman sees that my shoes don’t fit

So she buys me some that make me feel like I’m walking on air

A young man sees my walking stick won’t do

He carves a new one for me designed just for my hand

Can’t linger

Time won’t stand still

I meet an old man who teaches me how to take care of myself

He puts a book in my hand and tells me

Words aren’t just words

Each one has a meaning

Use them wisely

Can’t linger

Time won’t stand still

A sweet young lady with a blue ribbon in her hair greets me with a rose

I take it and kiss her

Now she walks with me

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Adoration



 

Aileen believes the world is ending because social media told her so

Shoot, the world’s been ending ever since Jesus told us it would end

Hush up was Aileen’s response to me

You need to know how bad things are out there

When I leave her house, I go to adoration and just sit

The world could be falling apart right now, people banging on the door

Threatening everything you could do to mankind

It don’t matter, cause in this room with my eyes on Jesus, there is peace, a glimpse into heaven

 

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Apparition

 At thirteen while preparing for Confirmation,

I was given the name Maria

Mary is what I meant, but Maria, Maria Goretti

Stayed as my Confirmation saint

Never heard of her


A year later, I watched a documentary on Fatima

Mary, please don't give this timid soul a message to give to the world

She agreed

But, what if it did happen?

What would I do?

Go to a priest, our family friend who thought I was flakey

Camp out in an adoration chapel, too fearful to face the world

See my psychiatrist, so she can adjust my medication


Maria Goretti, remember her?

She forgave her attacker

In return, he campaigned for her canonization

Could I forgive as Maria?

Or fall down the rabbit hole of depression